Time Travel


It's a Sunday morning, I'm eating breakfast in bed and for the first time in a long time, I haven't seen my boyfriend for an entire weekend.

It's times like this I reflect on my life so far. My achievements, my failures and initially all the stuff I wish I had done differently in my life. Regrets I guess they're called.

At work, my colleagues and I get to know each other by asking questions like "Did you go to uni?", "Have you ever been engaged/married?", "Would you ever have children?", "What would you do differently if you could do it all again?" - generic questions that give an insight into the world of someone I wouldn't have otherwise met. 

I'm torn in two as to whether I would have lived life differently. I had a miserable school life and wish that I would have stood up for myself a lot sooner, I wish that I'd have said no to that boy, I wish that I'd have moved up to Uni, tried harder whilst I was there, I wish that I'd have taken a gap year and matured a little bit first.

I regret to a certain extent that I let people abuse me because I had low self esteem, I regret that I had to deal with the back lash of bad life choices and I regret meeting a lot of people that I have. 

But on the other hand, if I did move to Uni I wouldn't have the set of friends or boyfriend that I do now, I wouldn't be getting my own house with some great people and I wouldn't be anywhere near the next chapter in my life. If I'd have taken a gap year, I wouldn't have the job that I have now which made me mature to the woman I am now (I know about pensions and tax returns because of this job), and I'd have hit the 9k tuition but I was luckily capped at the original cohort fees. 

If I'd have not had my heart broken by the first boy and not rushed it with the second then I wouldn't have suffered domestic abuse by the third, meaning that someone else who doesn't have the set of amazing friends that I do would have suffered at the hands of this person and probably not survived to tell the tale. Worst case scenario is that he would be in prison for murder or not at all.

I regret the way that I ended things with certain people and I regret not staying in touch with the people I should have but at the same time ending those relationships is probably what saved me from a very different/shitty life. Going out with someone who keeps you overweight and your self esteem low is not okay. I recently checked in to see what was happening and he now has two kids to different women. It scares me to think that I could have been one of them. This relationship I used to compare to a relationship someone should be having in their thirties. And that's precisely why it went wrong, because I was merely 19 and soooo not ready for any of that. (I'm 22 now and still not ready for all of that).

Sometimes I think of life as one of them books with the 'choose your own ending.' I like to think of what would have happened if situations ended differently or if they didn't occur at all and part of me wishes it was possible to see it because I think I would appreciate my life a lot more now and not let my past get to me. 

I regret that I have regrets and I regret that it makes me anxious constantly. I regret that people hate me for decisions I made when inebriated or mentally ill. I regret that I still let the past get to me.

Most of all I have no regrets because without all of the shitty things happening (because of me or towards me), I wouldn't have a degree, a job, great friends and an amazing boyfriend- I wouldn't be who I am now.

If you had a chance, would you do life differently? 

No comments:

Post a Comment