Tiny Buddha - "Wolves don't lose sleep over the opinions of sheep"

It was barely a week ago that I blogged about dying my hair from red to pink. Well, lately I've not been feeling myself. I've been thinking of a way to announce that Jamie and I broke up. We're totally fine. Things happened that I won't be discussing (nothing bad, don't worry) and that's why I keep mentioning my life changing. I'm moving homes again, I'm now single for the first time in forever, I'm not friends with the friends I had a year ago. My life has flip reversed completely.

Jamie and I are still close friends and are seeing out our tenancy together. My problem is that I invest too much in people. I invested in these friendships that broke down, I invested in a relationship that was inevitably going to break down because of all the shit we went through. I invest my trust and loyalty far too quickly and turn bitter when it is not returned.

I depended on these people which is so fucking wrong. You should never depend on anybody but yourself. I don't blame anyone for anything that has happened because I should have not invested so much. I had this 5 year image in my head and was forcing this upon people to meet this imaginary criteria. I am 23 and back where I was when I was 16. I never grew up. I latched on and tried to make it what it wasn't. I was pushing my ideologies on people that have their own which was the opposite to mine. (I.e. Jamie wanted to live alone/with friends and then get his own mortgage because he is an outright loner and I was pushing a joint mortgage.)

I was scrolling through Stumbleupon (I'm so addicted to that site) when I came across this site.

I'm not so much dealing with a break up but an Identity Crisis. Because I invested so much in people, I never learned to be alone. I never learned independence and I never learned to just do what I want to do. I never learned who I was. I became too involved with making other people happy and making them like me. I ask permission to do shit. I'm twenty-fucking-three. (Again, my fault, not theirs.) I never learned to drive and I hated working different shifts for fear of abandonment. I have some fucked up issues, I'm telling you.

I saved this Tiny Buddha page and thought I would share with you these 10 golden tips. They have helped me a lot in the past month (oh yeah, we broke up like a month ago. We are still so close that he is a regular feature/experiment on this blog though! Y'all shall still get your dosage of Jamie for the forseeable future) and really made me think - I don't want to get back at people any more. I don't want to feel bitter and angry and tell the same shit stories over and over again. What's happened has happened and it has happened for a reason...even if that reason isn't obvious yet.

1. Define your pain

Understand why you're hurt.

I'm hurt because I let myself depend on people. I was raised to get a good job, a steady husband/long term partner and to breed. I don't want kids. Not now and not the forseeable and I have never wanted kids. I always felt like I needed a boyfriend because that's what people kept telling me. You grow up, you get married and you die. Well, what if I want to quit my job and travel to New Zealand but he doesn't want to? I don't but I might. This kind of turned into Jamie and I on a larger scale. We always wanted different things. We love each other dearly and losing feelings had nothing to do with the break-up. We were holding each other back from what we really wanted.

I'm hurt because I let people walk all over me for many years. I let myself be bullied, I submitted to other people's ideologies because of my outright, perpetual fear of confrontation. I ended up hurting myself by thinking these people were good people when they were selfish, ignorant and not fucking sorry about the way they mistreated people.

2. Express your pain

I found that talking it out helped. Sometimes shutting it out helped. I created art, I experimented with food, I started running, I changed my hair, my clothes, my make-up, my music and I blogged about it. I blog about things because I evolve every day. My ideologies today were probably not the same as last week and definitely not the same as last year and sometimes, it's nice to read something back because I was a different person back then.

People share their pain on Facebook, Twitter and other platforms. I share a glimpse and always tell my nearest and dearest but I like to really reflect whilst writing it out on my blog. Then in a years time when I am a stronger, more independent person, I can look back and really be proud of how far I have come.

I used to keep a journal until my Mum read it and embarrassed me. I kind of thank her though because my blog is my kind of journal and that's on the internet so...

Expressing your pain helps you pinpoint it and heal. You become in control, empowered by it and not a victim. You may never get to say these things to the person who did this to you and if you do then I guarantee that it won't happen like you imagined it to in your head. If you aren't into journalling, write it down and burn it. You are burning the bridge to whatever is holding you back.

3. Stay in the Present 

Revisiting history and clinging on to it is detrimental to your physical and mental health. I'm not over anything that has happened to me in the last 15 or so years because I feel that 'bad people' get away with it all the time whilst I'm miserable. I'm miserable and they're not because they're in the present and I'm stuck reliving 5 years ago every single day. I need to let it go. My own friends and Jamie can see that it impacts me and holds me back every day.

I suggest therapy. I suggest nature. I suggest the beach. I suggest things that make you and only you the happiest person you can be.

As Connor says: "Wolves don't lose sleep over the opinions of sheep."

I replay everything in my head over and over and plan how I would act differently if confronted by the situation again. But the situation is gone and if something similar happens again, the reaction to the previous sitch probably won't help. And in high stress situations, your body tends to react for you.

4. Stop telling the story

I find this one the hardest. I can even match my stories word for word I tell them that often. I am an open book because I was bullied for so long and didn't tell a soul. I flip reversed and so tell anyone, anything so if it's mentioned then it's just a bore because I've already said it 14 times.

I have now learned, the hard way but I have some great friends and colleagues that get me through the dark times, that no amount of reality checking or reassurance will change what happened. History is history and it is there forever. It's done, it's irreversible. Learn from your mistakes.

Also, just as important is that you don't need someone's permission to move on. If it no longer bothers you and someone has an opinion, tell them it's done with. I'm stuck in a cycle that if people want to talk about it the record player of a story comes out but I'm trying to break it.

5. Forgive yourself 

I've done things that I could have done differently in the past. I've had conversations that I replay in my head and say something better. I've had interviews and meetings that I replay and had a better outcome. I always think I shouldn't have had that outburst, if we didn't have that particular argument then it would have been different but alas, it happened and I need to let myself let it go.

As Tiny Buddha says: "Either punish yourself and submit to misery or forgive yourself and create the possibility of happiness."

6. Stop playing the victim/blame game

I am so guilty of this. I was screwed over and I want justice is my particular calling card. I want people to feel bad for treating others badly and I want karma to punch them in the throat. This just makes me look bad to be honest.

I am not responsible for what has happened to me but I am responsible for my current attitude surrounding what has happened. I am giving them victim status and power because noone wants a night out with someone who tries to fight everyone.

7. Don't let pain become your identity 

Similar to above and mentioned before. I am letting every shitty thing that has happened to me become my identity. I am a writer, I love glitter, I love hair dye, fashion and makeup but if I meet you for the first time I will think of something shitty that has happened to tell you.

I never bounce in buzzing off my little tits like "Haven't seen you in ages, I found this whatever that you would love. How's Donald? Congrats on the engagement." I drag myself in and I'm probably angry because some little turd has bounced in off his little tits and shit on my rainbow.

By identifying you as a person, they will always hold power over you.

8. Reconnect with your old self

When I was 14, I had aspirations. I had a solid 10 year plan that actually didn't work in the slightest and sent me a little crazy. I planned to go to a specific college, a specific uni and get a specific job. Live in a specific house and initially create a great career. Well, due to bullying I went to a different college, the Uni I wanted didn't do the course I wanted and due to lack of self esteem, confidence, money and a car, I don't have the job or house that I want. Life happens.

That brings me to why I mentioned the hair dye. I have rocked bright hair with stints of dark since I was 12. I feel like bright hair is my natural, comfortable look and I wanted a change. I wanted to push my comfort zone and alter my appearance to give myself some self esteem back. So, I dyed it almost black and I fucking love it. The rules for hair care still stand by the way.

My natural hair is this colour with hints of red and I looked this way when I was figuring out my life for the first time. I needed a change and alas, I am figuring out my life....again. It seemed fitting and I feel a lot better.

You don't have to do the make-over but think of who you could have become if the painful scenario never occurred and tainted your happiness. You could become your own goal.

9. Focus on the things that bring you joy

I actually have a post planned sometime soonish about the things that give me joy. Nature. My dog. My friends. Playing the Xbox with Jamie. Basically, everything that I overlook and underestimate.

I think too much of the future and so rarely enjoy myself. On nights out I care about what people will say the next day. On Fridays, I dread what will happen on Monday and when I move home I think of the end of tenancy. All of the above are going to happen regardless and I can't change that so why do I let it control my life? I need to think of now. Not planning ahead.

10. Share that joy with other people 

I spend my life wishing bad people would get karma and running away from those trying to help me. I'm scared to meet new people for fear of an ulterior motive and I am basically an outgoing person with a dislike for the human race. Told you, I'm 50 shades of fucked up.

If you're happy, spread it, show them. Give someone a hug and tell them they're doing great. Tell someone you like their dress or shirt and spread some joy. If you are happy then they are happy. Negativity is addicting. Break the cycle and do something fun with someone. Don't think about the next day, think about now.

Surround yourself with people that love and support you no matter what the fuck you do. I am very lucky that Jamie and I are still super close friends and I have best friends that I can rely on when the going gets tough. I need to learn to let shit go and do what I want to do. When I figure out what that is, exactly.

That's all for this post. Again, not aimed at anybody in particular, this is just a general overview of my entire life history trying to help someone who may need a friend or some guidance. 


I'm off to play Trivia Pursuit Live! with Jamie. It's our new addiction!

How do you create happiness? Deal with bad situations? Comment below or find me on social media! 

 photo 533520737063518120715_zps9uwv1vbb.png

No comments:

Post a Comment